Put yourself in Safaricom Customer care’s Shoes, What would you do?

Put yourself in Safaricom Customer care’s Shoes, What would you do?

Whatever  goes through the minds of the Customer care Agents in Kenya who work in Banks, mobile service companies, outsourcing call centers and other corporate entities is a thing I would like us to think of

Let us take the case of Safaricom, the company with the highest number of subscribers.

Let us take an example. In one day their call center can receive over 1 million calls. These usually include serious issues like internet, Mpesa,  skiza, okoa Jahazi etc. But then there are usually other customers who call just to ask for time or to say hallo to a female agent hence deny us the chance of receiving quicker resolutions.

Put yourself in Safaricom Customer care's Shoes, What would you do?
Put yourself in Safaricom Customer care’s Shoes, What would you do?

Let us just assume these are some of the things that go through their mind although they are usually soft spoken and courteous as we know them. You cannot compare them with the rude, inhuman and carefree agents in Kenya Power.

May be this is what the agents Say about us the Loyal and die-hard Safaricom Customers.

DON’T even think of calling if:

You have friends, who are more informed than the agents, customer says ‘lakini kijana mwingine aliniambiaaaaa,’ they think of replying, ‘si ungemuuliza basi’

  1. You are daft and think you are the brightest asshole around
  2. You are lonely and need a quick lay, this is not a whore house it is a call centre with serious gals and guys
  3. You are not sure what you want from us, quit wasting time for serious subscribers
  4. You want to salimia watu wa safaricom and say goodnight, sleep hyper Kenyan
  5. You have a Chinese phone and need internet settings, piga china wakusaidie
  6. You have no idea what internet is but you need settings because  your pal has.
  7. You don’t have the will to key in your PUK number coz you heard we are trained baby sitters and will do everything for you.
  8. You are a rich mshamba with an expensive phone and you have no idea how to use it.
  9. Nokia 3310 cannot use GPRS, its not a safcom problem and honestly we don’t give a damn ask Nokia why they did not put internet capability
  10. If you sambaza to the wrong number, we don’t reverse your stupid mistakes and as above we don’t care, seriously
  11. You cant sleep, we are not piriton and we don’t have lullabies to sing for you, deal with your insomnia your own way. Don’t call Safcom kuimbiwa Kawimbo
  12. You have marital issues, No we won’t block your wife’s phone bcz she left, that’s your own problem, we are not marital counselors, deal with your issues and leave us out of it
  13. You are in a noisy bar or windy place, at river road or tom mboya at 5pm, we can’t hear you. END
  14. You are in a bad mood and need to vent, tuna shida zetu tuskize zako kwa nini?
  15. You need a top up, hata mimi nina 00.00 and am not complaining
  16. You are in love with your phone loudspeaker, its annoying to hear yourself
  17. You cannot express yourself, we are not angels, we cannot understand. Period
  18. You think we are thieves’ coz you can’t account for 1 bob of your credit
  19. You fell prey to fraudsters, we do not refund, its just unfortunate that you are that gullible
  20. You Are A Stupid And Spoilt Brat (Who Is Your Mother??)
  21. You are complaining you can’t flash with 0.5 bob, come on get a life and top up
  22. Your name is Mohammed or Abdi or Kariuki from Wajir or Mandera or Kirinyaga, when you learn English you can call us, the call centre does not use Somali or Kikuyu as language of communication
  23. You think Safaricom should lower their rate to Ksh 3 or else you’ll Vuka, what do you think pays our salaries, go ahead and vuka-cheap is expensive
  24. You want to know how to record songs using voicemail???? Can somebody give me a cane!!!
  25. you want to be returned to Jibambie, are you high on crack or what part of Kenya are you from “jibambie ended long time ago” buy a radio if not a newspaper

    Put yourself in Safaricom Customer care's Shoes, What would you do?
    Put yourself in Safaricom Customer care’s Shoes, What would you do?
  26. You want me to Sambaza you coz you are stuck in the middle of a forest or you are broke. Who do you think I am giving free credit to strangers, I am not Jesus
  27. You are calling from 12.00 midnight to around 4.30 am and you don’t know what you want, for heaven’s sake go to sleep and call us during the day when you are not confused
  28. You dare call me customer, I have a name and if you were listening to my opening greeting you would have gotten it
  29. You dare say “ng’ee” or “ati” as I explain something to you, if you can’t hear why are you calling, that sound is annoying in my ear
  30. And Others with Non Issues, Stop Clogging Line 100, We Need to handle serious issues
  31. Don’t call us if you swing on the other side, it is traumatizing to be hit on by a member of your gender at 3am, we are straight
  32. Ksh 00.00 cannot access the internet, PERIOD
  33. No I will not give you your mother’s PUK.END…
  34. Don’t show us att and expect to be assisted, we aren’t doormats you know.
  35. No, I won’t give you my number , neither will I call you just because you like my voice and no we won’t  go for lunch, you could be a serial killer for all I care
  36. Mama Kimani is not an official name, its sweet but we won’t register your line under that name
  37. You are half asleep and expect me to vet you for PUK ?
  38. You block your PUK and beg me to unblock , fanya replacement
  39. Twin sim, Camera phone, Slide, Flip are not phone models so I can’t help you
  40. We really appreciate it when you call 191, unless you want a number, I won’t help you, piga 100 but thanks for the 20 bob, we need more subscribes like you
  41. No we won’t give you the web addresses for porn sites. END
  42. Beste yako yuko mteja, its not my problem amezima simu, labda hataki kuongea na wewe
  43. If you hang up when I put you on hold I won’t call you back maybe your issue was not so important
  44. Sitakutumia kawimbo, we are not cellulant or Onfon
  45. Its not our problem that you respond to every short code (5525, 6616,3045 etc) put in the paper and advertised on TV and Radio and we don’t refund, yes we are that mean
  46. if you insist I send you settings for Nokia 1110, I will lie to you that I send, shock on you Kenyan
  47. If you redeem your bonga points for MMS,  I cannot convert them to SMS and neither can I convert Bonga points to cash
  48. I cannot repair your handset from the call centre; you need to go to a technician
  49. It’s not my business to explain to you what a megabyte is or how to browse on your phone
  50. I cannot tell which people are calling u using private numbers, I am an agent not a fortune teller remember
  51. Don’t get started with those stories “nilinunua card nikaenda nyumbani mtoto akaweka………” get straight to the point,  I have limited time to help you plus I’m paid to resolve your issue I’m not your gossip mate
  52. If someone next to you copies your scratch card number and tops up before you, too bad be chap chap next time plus don’t even ask for the number that topped up
  53. Address me by my name this other titles “brotha, mzee, madam” if I were your brother we would be sharing a mother of which we don’t
  54. if you are a junguu, do use that attitude on me that I don’t understand what you are saying such that you have to use T for Toronto, G for Guernsey , K for Kentucky…………speak English I know it

    Put yourself in Safaricom Customer care's Shoes, What would you do?
    Put yourself in Safaricom Customer care’s Shoes, What would you do?
  55. It doesn’t help to call asking for PUK if the only vetting detail you have is “Laini ni yangu” don’t even get me started on the f words that go through my mind
  56. If you are calling to ask why people from your tribe don’t win any promotions, you have the wrong number
  57. Boosters are not installed in seconds, inform us, give us time and get your ujuaji out of it
  58. You got dumped, sorry but honestly we would rather not listen to the details, we are not a broken hearts helpline
  59. We are not naturally polite, we are protecting our jobs.
  60. If I could honestly say what I think of you , you would hate yourself for life
  61. So your dad hangs out with Bob Collymore, we don’t care, when you call Line 100 am in control, or better still call him to help you
  62. If you call me and whisper and expect that I will hear you, no I will deliberately not hear you.
  63. No you won’t talk to my manager, you called me so talk to me, if you still want to talk to him /her on non Safaricom issues, look for their numbers.
  64. Courtesy is two way thing not a customer care thing
  65. Don’t wait till I have said “thank you for calling……………………,” then you remember that you had other issues, halafuuuuuuuuuuu, ama naaaaaaaaa,
  66. if you subscribe to premium rate services, it’s not our fault live with it
  67. That story of “mtoto alichezea simu ikablock ama account ikafungwa” is long overdue; we know you are trying to guess credit on your line.
  68. How do you call Line 100/234 and say it’s a wrong number???????????????After hearing all the stories on interactive voice and still did not know its customer care???????? you are drunk

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